You Can’t Heal Emotions You Don’t Allow Yourself to Have

September 8, 2025

You can’t heal emotions you don’t allow yourself to have. I heard that once years ago and it shook me to my core.

Carl Jung says it another way, "Peace is not avoiding storms. Its learning that no storm can touch your center."

You can’t heal through emotions you don’t let yourself have.

When urges or triggers come up, notice them. Be curious with them. Ask yourself: What’s deeper? What’s under this? What am I numbing from?

Sometimes it helps to step outside yourself—look from a third-person view.

In order to induce a state of curiosity, I ask myself,

"What will Tara do?"

"What will this trigger bring up for her? In her mind? In her body?"

"Would she create a narrative that deprives her of growth?"

"Would she blame others or look into her own role in this?"

Each day begins with uncertainty. This is the existential reality.

We don’t know what it will bring.

Its important to acknowledge this when we wake up. 

Wake up & say, I do not know what today will bring. 

And, I will do my best to face it. Feel the joy.

Notice & feel the “not good emotions”- the ones that don’t feel so good. 

The practice takes us away from controlling outcomes—

it’s about choosing a philosophy of how you want to respond.

Who do you want to be when life hands you something difficult?

Challenge is non-negotiable. We are humans on this earth- there will be challenge.

And when the moment comes: slow down.

Notice your body.

Where is the tension? Massage it out. Breathe through it.

Then notice your thoughts—what stories are they telling you? Are they even true? Are they still true? Are the stories going on in your mind based on past events? Do they need to be challenged?

Triggers come and go, but what matters is how you meet them.

Calm down and be with the parts of you that catastrophize.

Ask yourself honestly:

Am I addicted to being stressed?

Am I always looking for the next task to complete? Milestone to achieve? Degree to get? Business to build?Part of the home to clean? Food to cook?

Checking the news to the point that its not staying informed, its keeping me in hyper-alert?

These are some of the ways we keep ourselves overly busy & stressed. Burned out, even.

Because muscle memory doesn’t shift just because circumstances change. Stress patterns won’t vanish with external success. That’s why someone can be wealthy, yet still unsatisfied.

Think of the times you’ve said:

When this happens, then I’ll finally be happy. I won’t be stressed anymore.

Once I have X, I will be content. Once this stressor goes away, I will be sooo much less stressed.

Was it true? Did it last? Were you “cured” forever?

Of course not.

The shift happens when you accept: Any challenge that comes my way—I will figure it out.

Building a Practice of Reflection & Release

So how do you do that?

You build a practice—a rhythm of reflection and release that helps you process instead of avoid.

• Cognitive release: meditation, journaling, writing down what’s bothering you, then responding to that voice with validation and gentle challenge.

• Safe movement: whatever physical release feels good to your body—walking, yoga, dancing, shaking, running, weightlifting, stretching.

• Emotional release: cry, laugh, talk with someone safe and fun- someone you can tell anything to & can have deep conversations with about the world/life/values, or watch something that draws emotion out of you. Sit with the different parts of you, learn about them. Do some shadow work prompts. Mirror work is also a great technique. 

Allow yourself to have all emotions and learn what each is telling you.

When you do so, you move more gracefully and authentically through life.

You respond rather than react, because you’ve already sat with your intentions, values, and inner dialogue.

Slow down. Be curious. Don’t avoid the emotion, tension, or internal conflict.

Don’t run from it—sit with it.

Then see how your values guide your response, and act from there.

That’s regulated, values-based living.

On Vulnerability

Rumi said this far more eloquently centuries ago via poetry:

“Allow your emotions to be guests in the living room of your psyche. Let them take space in your heart and listen to them.”

He also said: “You were born with wings—why do you crawl instead?”

Who would we be if we listened to understand—not to fix, dismiss, or get rid of?

With others and with ourselves. 

Who would we be if every part of us was welcomed?

I will give you an example from my own emotions-

When I sat with my fear long enough, it showed me its real face wasn’t fear at all. It was longing. It was love. Fear only worried about being hurt by being vulnerability.

When I was honest with myself, I learned that I forced myself into being lonely, just because I was afraid of being truly vulnerable. To be misunderstood. 

But what’s the greater risk—loving fully and grieving loss, or never having loved with an open heart?

Loving with a guarded heart is an entirely different experience than choosing safe & compatible person, knowing them deeply with time, and allowing them to see the deepest darkest parts of you. Your fears, your insecurities. Your drives, your needs. Your wishes, your ambitions. Your hopes, your values. Your bare soul. The most vulnerable parts of you. And ultimately, seeing each other’s whole Selves is what true intimacy feels like. We cant have this if we are guarded. 

To be vulnerable comes from the Latin root meaning “the capacity to be harmed.” And that’s exactly why it feels so hard. Difficult, but when done intentionally with the right people, vulnerability is the greatest alchemical experience. As Carl Jung says, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

On Anger

Let’s take anger as an example.

If you’re angry—don’t rush past it.

Slow down and understand it.

Ask: What’s happening beneath the surface?

Where in my body do I feel this?

Where is the tension?

Notice the trigger. What hurts? What story am I telling myself about this?

As adults, it’s our responsibility to calm ourselves and look within.

Validate what you feel, then gently challenge it, and above all, stay curious.

"What will Tara do now that she is feeling this?"

"Will she breathe, calm, and recenter?"

"Will she lash out at someone else?"

"Will she start ruminating and catastrophizing?"

“Is she gonna want quick solutions? Or can she hold space for 2 truths existing? Can she exist in a state where there is not a ‘right person’ & a ‘wrong person’?”

Curiosity here matters — it softens judgment. It invites you to become an observer, not a critic.

And once you observe, notice, what need of mine is not being met? Can I meet it? Can I understand it? Can I communicate it calmly once I've released the energetic charge of it?

Once you observe It & sit with it, then you release.

Squeeze your hand into a fist and let it go. Put on music and move. Draw, paint, dance, run, punch a pillow. Anything that lets the feeling move through you.

Then, when the storm has passed, ask: What do I want to do? 

And don’t just think it—feel it.

Notice in your body: do you feel warm and relaxed, or still uneasy?

You're not trying to get rid of the uneasiness- you are sitting with it. Feeling it.

When you are calm, the feeling has passed, then—respond.

Anything before then, and you are reacting, not responding.

The goal is not to be perfect at sitting with our feelings. Practice makes progress- not perfect. 

To get closer to ourselves, we need to be with ourselves.

So full circle: you can’t heal through emotions you don’t let yourself have.

Let yourself feel. Accept that it will be hard. But humans can do hard things.

Anything life-changing is difficult, and it’s the small, steady steps that make it possible.

Self-compassion is what makes this sustainable, because it doesn’t let the judgmental part of you take over.

Curiosity over certainty. Curiosity over “ultimate truths.” Curiosity is a powerful state of mind.

Thanks for reading, 

Tara

<3 Tara