October 3, 2024
How often do you check in on your values?
How often do you re-calibrate your values to integrate lessons you have learned from processing and sitting with grief?
In my Grief and Loss course during graduate school, a token of wisdom that really impacted me was, “Every time you go through grief, you re-evaluate everything that you know. You relearn who you are, and you see the world accordingly.”
As you delve deeper and deeper into self-understanding, and notice the themes and tendencies that you have, you can start to evaluate if the values you live by still resonate with you.
And you get to check in with yourself about whether you are integrating your values in the ways that feel resonant with you.
How often do we say we are living by our values, but then we don’t integrate our values into our day to day lives.
To live by your values looks like living each day having your values inform your choices.
Reflection is a big part of this process.
It feels similar to the idea that you rewire your nervous system by rewiring your nervous system.
This means, doing difficult things that you know are good for your nervous system, i.e., meditation, yoga/safe movement, somatic shaking, affirmations- to make changes to your mind/rewire your nervous system.
This is not to say that you need to be perfect at this. In fact, as humans, we are not even able to be perfect if we wanted to be :). Instead, it means showing up for yourself by caring enough to do things imperfectly.
If a whole meditation doesn't feel possible, does one deep breath feel possible?
If a values sort activity doesn't feel possible, does journaling about your values feel more accessible?
If journaling feels inaccessible, does calling up a friend and talking about your worldviews feel possible?
It is my passion to have philosophical conversations with people, explore their values, and to co-create plans with clients that help them actionably integrate their values into their lives.
A lot of integrating values work has looked like grief work/existential therapy in my experience.
As an example,
Two of my top values are kindness, and openness.
In reflecting, I noticed that although I carry those values, I am not integrating them in the ways that I want due to my own avoidant tendencies.
The premise in my head used to be:
“If I’m treated with kindness and openness, then I can be kind and open”
However, a more aligned premise for me is:
“If I am a kind and open person, I will be kind and open.”
When you live within your values, you are being your full authentic self.
{of course there are always caveats +disclaimers with this, don’t put yourself in unsafe situations with unsafe people + sometimes you need to advocate for yourself rather than "be kind." This post is not pertaining to those circumstances, or any circumstances of abuse}
For me notice that my avoidance has gotten in my way in this context.
I have been reconceptualizing avoidance as 'having fear around not being perfect at something, and therefore giving it up.’
So in the context of values, “I cant be perfectly kind, so maybe I should just not try.”
However, if I see it as my role to live in alignment with my values, then it becomes, “nobody is perfect, its not about being perfect, its about being you. Its about noticing what kindness looks like in your life at this moment, and integrating that.”
This form of thinking is rooted in existential therapy/philosophy and it makes it your responsibility to conquer your fears in order to live a values based life.
The way I see it is:
Fears can be reconceptualized as something we want to avoid. Lets explore that and the barrier that are in place that keep you stuck.
Heal some of this fear through existential therapy+parts work, and then release using somatic therapy techniques.
Accept that it is your role to conquer this fear, and guide yourself by grounding in your values. Do a values sort activity.
Courage + actionable change are the magic ingredients that make the biggest difference in the end. Showing up imperfectly and having the courage to do “the difficult thing” knowing you may not get it right, but knowing also that you are getting closer to the life you want.
We gain a lot from allowing ourselves to fail, and doing hard things that get us closer to our values. When we can do the steps, and then surrender to the outcome, magic happens.
- Tara 💛
