The Journey of No Contact: The Path Towards, and Away From No Contact
- tbarghamadi13
- Feb 13
- 5 min read
November 14th, 2024
Going no contact is a heavy and loaded topic in the therapy world.
There is also not much literature on moving from no contact to re-entering contact.
In this blog, I hope to share some of my personal wisdom. Take what resonates :).
Going no contact with somebody means not interacting with them at all, in any way, for a certain amount of time in order to give yourself space to heal from their actions, and to give them time to process their actions, your communication, and to engage in behavioral change.
No contact is often put into use when you no longer feel safe being in a friendship/any type of relationship with somebody.
This can be with friends, partners, and even with family.
To go no contact with someone is painful, and brings up many feelings.
However, it is a recognition that at least in the present, it would do you more harm to engage in this relationship than to not be in it.
Going No Contact usually happens after:
You have different expectations of what a relationship between you should look like
You have communicated a boundary/expectation and it has been violated
Commucation and feedback you have given has been disregarded
There is defensiveness happening rather than listening
You are being mistreated, abused, or threatened
We know it’s time for no contact when an individual causes us trauma, refuses to take accountability, and we recognize that we need space from them to heal. No contact is a way to give ourselves the time we need to process, heal, and reflect, while also giving the other person time to recognize where they went wrong, heal, and make changes in their behavior. Though it’s difficult, no contact is sometimes necessary for both parties to heal and for a healthier, more authentic relationship to be possible.
No contact can provide an opportunity for space and growth. The party that has been blocked can take time to take in the feedback that they got, and the party whose boundaries were violated can use this time to heal and let go of the pain and resentment.
Before going no contact, it is important to check in with yourself, engage in a little extra self care, communicate to support systems that you would appreciate their support, and make sure your basic needs are being met. The timing of this decision is personal, and it can be helpful to process it with a therapist.
The decision to go no contact is a big one. It often requires extensive self reflection, checking in with your body, and exploring your needs. It make you feel guilty and overall it is not a pleasant experience. There is often a flooding of memories regarding the person afterwards, and “what if” that require a bit of grief work and reflection.
However, just because it is difficult and guilt inducing, does not mean it is an incorrect decision.
In the early stages of no contact, memories from the relationship can flood in—both the good and the bad times. It’s important to know that this is normal and part of the healing process. During this time, we may also reflect on our own actions and where we could have communicated better or taken responsibility for our part in the relationship. We can also recognize where we were hurt and where we felt unsupported.
The amount of time needed for healing and no contact is unique to each relationship. Some relationships may not feel important enough to revisit, while in others—especially with family—it might be healing to reestablish contact.
A token of wisdom from my personal therapist was that, especially in cases in a family, no contact should be like closing a door, however, keeping the door cracked open.
If and when we do reconnect, it’s crucial to do so without expectations of how the relationship might turn out, but with a clear understanding of our boundaries and what we are and aren’t willing to tolerate. We should approach this with an open mind.
Sometimes, years can go by before no contact is respected and boundaries are honored, but if behavioral changes are made and the resentment between both parties is processed, reconnecting can be incredibly healing.
In my own personal experience, I had set some boundaries/went no contact with some key people in my life years ago when I first started therapy, and it was devastating to do so at the time. I held guilt, especially being an immigrant child in an eldest daughter role. There were many sleepless nights, tears, and wondering if I was doing the right thing.
However, I recently decided to go through the process of checking in with myself to see if I had openness towards reconnecting with these people, because I knew that they meant a lot to me, and I had healed my own resentment towards them.
Its important to remember, if unsafety happens again, we always have the option to go back to no contact as well.
I went in with no expectations- none. I decided that if my value is openness and kindness, I can go in with the intention to be open to the person I was meeting, and meet them where they were at. From there, I told myself I could guage it and I knew I could trust myself to make a good decision. To respond rather that react. To be open rather than be defensive. And that I had let go of my resentments, and that I no longer blamed others for how my life was going, but instead took my life into my own hands.
This is a powerful place to be.
This is after years of therapy, somatic experiencing/parts work/IFS/yoga/breathwork, and most of all, building up courage. :)
In reconnecting, the healing I experienced exceeded anything I could have imagined.
The young part of me that missed these people got to see that they cared enough to make changes in their behavior, and now, for the rest of my life, I will have a new, more authentic relationship with them. That is something truly special.
I hope this can serve as a guideline for when the time to let go, and when it is right to reconnect.
When we can humanize others, and allow ourselves to show up with an open heart, curiosity, and love, beautiful things can happen.
Humans are built for connection, and sometimes no contact is exactly what we need for relationships to become safe again.
Although it takes courage to try again, especially when things might not go well, if you feel ready, have processed your emotions, and are open-minded toward the other person, it can be a very healing and beautiful experience.
