October 11, 2024
What would happen if we allowed ourselves to show up more imperfectly in relationships?
When we allow ourselves grace in relationships, in turn, we can extend that grace to our loved ones as well.
This goes for any relationship: romantic, platonic, familial, professional, etc.
If we can see ourselves as humans with fear who show up imperfectly, we can accept that others are only human too.
If we view other’s hurting us as personal attacks and expect perfection from them, we only keep ourselves stuck in resentment. This keeps our hearts closed.
We don’t get gold stars ⭐️ when we show up perfectly in relationships.
{disclaimer time: this is NOT saying “go accept bad behavior and be bad.” This is a nuanced take. It is saying, do you push people away when they don't show up perfectly for you? What is the impact of expecting perfection? What does it do for you think of the other person's background, biases, and intentions? What does it look like to see them as a human capable of making mistakes, but not necessarily trying to harm you? When we see people fully, we can notice the meanings we make rather than focusing on whether or not the other person showing up perfectly}.
If anything, in my experience I see that the person in the relationship who demands perfection becomes resentful. It shows up as “I'm showing up in XYZ way, but they aren't!” The subliminal messaging here is “I'm better than them, they are worse than me”. They are impacting me, therefore they must be trying to hurt me.
However, what would it look like to shift to, "The other person could also be getting impacted by me, because they have a different set of triggers. Maybe we are impacting each other."
This takes it from finger pointing to looking in the mirror.
When we engage in finger pointing, we get lost in processing how other person impacted us VS noticing our own role and triggers.
When we are able to notice our own triggers, regulate, and slow down, we can our own role more clearly.
This creates a pedestal that puts one person in the “I try hard in relationships” role, and puts the other person in a “doesn't try hard” role. When in reality, could it be that both people are not getting their needs met and could both do better.
And what do these roles do to our connections?
For one thing, these attitudes will dampen intimacy.
How can we have emotional intimacy if we are expected to be perfect?
It takes away from us being able to be human.
How might our relationships fare if instead, we notice that each person is indeed, a person?
A person with their own hurt, traumas, biases, and experiences. How would we approach people if we believed they were trying their best?
What do we gain from seeing ourselves as better than others? We gain a false sense of confidence that is backed in ego.
If we instead approach other people as people, and focus on our own role and how we want to show up in relationships, we will have more success.
Intimacy comes from being able to show up as your vulnerable human self. And it is not safe to show up as a vulnerable human if you are expected to show up perfectly. It can also cause a lot of avoidance, anxiety, and tension.
Do you notice any of these tendencies in yourself?
These are only two examples of roles we put ourselves can put ourselves in, what are other dynamics you notice in your relationships?
What fears or defenses come up when you think of how you show up in relationships?
With tenderness,
Tara 🧡
