'On Conceptualization and Reconceptualization'
a blog by
Tara Barghamadi
First Blog Post
Welcome to my Blog :)!
I have parts of me that have wanted to create a blog for quite some time, and, I’ve had parts of me overcome with imposter syndrome who did not feel good enough to do so {parts work}. Two different parts are at play here.
As some context, I wrote my first blog in 2006 when I was quite a bit younger :). I think that part of me has been yearning to write again, now that I have a website. And an older part of me feels inspired by @Ayandastood’s message of, “when you are yearning to be creative, there are people yearning for your creativity in return.” This is the idea of a the collective consciousness. {Liberation Psychology}
I feel like there would be merit in explaining how I work with these parts as well. Here, I have a part of me that is so eager to write and be creative (I often attribute part of this to my moon being in Leo); and another part of me that feels like she is not good enough to engage creatively.
Here, I try to understand and respect both parts involved. To my part who is eager, I tell her, “I am so excited that you are excited” *somatically jumps up and down to celebrate* I spend some time affirming this part and letting her know she can write ✍️, even if we don't post it on our blog. And that she needs to wait for a bit to see if other parts would be willing to post. I let her know that I will check back in with her once I have checked in with other parts. {Somatic Psychology}
I also ask if there is anything I can do to make her feel more seen, and she tells me that she would like a couple screenshots of her original blog to be posted here if the blog does go up: {Parts Work}
(two photos of my blog circa 2006)
I agree and let her know I am going to spend some time with my other part as well. Now I go and sit with the part of me that feels apprehensive about starting a blog.
I ask her what her fear is with publicly posting a blog? She tells me that she doesn’t have a degree in English, she’s never figured out how grammar works in English, and mostly, what if she is not understood? What if, in fact, she is misunderstood? What if? {existential psychology/philosophy}
What if is a heavy feeling. It signals uncertainty. Our nervous systems do not like uncertainty. It's a deviation from the norm. Together we spend a good amount of time noticing where in the body we feel this sensation. We lean in (rather than avoid the discomfort) and and we breathe safety into our body. I notice that for this part, the memory of past times where the worst “what it” situations come up to memory. I listen to this part, and I comfort and validate this part. We talk about the feeling imposter syndrome and what it brings up, and the, we just feeeeeel a lot. {Somatic Psychology}
I let this part of me know that we can continue to spend time on this topic, and that a blogpost will not be posted unless she feels safe and ready with the idea. If she chooses, she can take the blogpost off at any point as well; or never post to begin with. Having multiple options, as well as a way out, is highly important. I also reiterate that we will not make a rushed decisions. Well thought out, and well felt out, decisions signal safety to our bodies. {Trauma-Informed Psychology}
This part tells me about her fears, and also tells me about her wishes. She wants to engage creatively, but that she wishes she could be perfect at it. We talk through perfectionism, we remember our favorite quotes about it, and some feeling in our body shifts.
Somatically, its starting to feel safer. The creativity feels like a golden a sparkler, its warm, its sparkly, bright, and its full of dynamic movement. I thank this part for letting me talk to her, and I let her know I will check in again in the future to see if she still feels okay with posting the blog.
I hope this blog will be helpful in understanding how you might start to have communication and relationship with different parts of yourself.
No person’s parts are the same, but I tend to find that if we approach parts of ourselves with openness, curiosity, compassion, confidence and clarity, we will create a warmer relationship with ourselves. {Internal Family System's Qualities of Self; Parts Work}
Until inspiration strikes again,
تارا (Tara) (Persian Spelling: ت: T /ا: A /ر: R/ا: A)
6/15/2024
9/18/2024
Blog Post 2: Sitting with the question of 'worthiness'
How might life look if you lived in the present moment?
Pour yourself some chai, coffee, milk, hot chocolate, or your beverage of choice and explore some philosophical topics with me ☕️☺️✨.
“How would you carry yourself if you knew that no more ‘big bad things’ were gonna happen?"
Would you breathe more?
Would you engage in your hobbies more? Would you let go of rumination (even a percent more)? Would you see anxiety as a protective mechanism, and an illusion of control more?
What about a different question, “What if you knew ‘big bad things’ might still happen, but your anxiety was not actually serving you? What if ruminating doesn't actually help you change the outcome? What if instead it only messes with your phyisology?
Would you still brace for impact everyday worrying? Or could you conceptualize a different approach towards life?
As humans, we tend to say, “Once X,Y,Z is done, then, I will live”.
What would life look like if you lived now? Imperfectly, and as you are?
These are challenging but thought provoking questions to sit with.
Notice how your body reacts towards these concepts and journal after.
Bonus Question:
How does your body react to the question, “how would you live, knowing that you are 100% worthy as you are now?”
Does it impact how you carry yourself in your day to day life?
Are there things you are putting off for the day where things are different? Could you incorporate them even a little bit now?
- Tara
Photo of purple sky taken by me :)
Values Based Living
existential philosophy
10/3/2024
How often do you check in on your values?
How often do you re-calibrate your values to integrate lessons you have learned from processing and sitting with grief?
In my Grief and Loss course during graduate school, a token of wisdom that really impacted me was, “Every time you go through grief, you re-evaluate everything that you know. You relearn who you are, and you see the world accordingly.”
As you delve deeper and deeper into self-understanding, and notice the themes and tendencies that you have, you can start to evaluate if the values you live by still resonate with you.
And you get to check in with yourself about whether you are integrating your values in the ways that feel resonant with you.
How often do we say we are living by our values, but then we don’t integrate our values into our day to day lives.
To live by your values looks like living each day having your values inform your choices.
Reflection is a big part of this process.
It feels similar to the idea that you rewire your nervous system by rewiring your nervous system.
This means, doing difficult things that you know are good for your nervous system, i.e., meditation, yoga/safe movement, somatic shaking, affirmations- to make changes to your mind/rewire your nervous system.
This is not to say that you need to be perfect at this. In fact, as humans, we are not even able to be perfect if we wanted to be :). Instead, it means showing up for yourself by caring enough to do things imperfectly.
If a whole meditation doesnt feel possible, does one deep breath feel possible?
If a values sort activity doesnt feel possible, does journaling about your values feel more accessible?
If journaling feels inaccessible, does calling up a friend and talking about your worldviews feel possible?
It is my passion to have philosophical conversations with people, explore their values, and to co-create plans with clients that help them actionably integrate their values into their lives.
A lot of integrating values work has looked like grief work/existential therapy in my experience.
As an example,
Two of my top values are kindness, and openness.
In reflecting, I noticed that although I carry those values, I am not integrating them in the ways that I want due to my own avoidant tendencies.
The premise in my head used to be:
“If I’m treated with kindness and openness, then I can be kind and open”
However, a more aligned premise for me is:
“If I am a kind and open person, I will be kind and open.”
When you live within your values, you are being your full authentic self.
{of course there are always caveats +disclaimers with this, don’t put yourself in unsafe situations with unsafe people + sometimes you need to advocate for yourself rather than "be kind." This post is not pertaining to those circumstances, or any circumstances of abuse}
For me notice that my avoidance has gotten in my way in this context.
I have been reconceptualizing avoidance as 'having fear around not being perfect at something, and therefore giving it up.’
So in the context of values, “I cant be perfectly kind, so maybe I should just not try.”
However, if I see it as my role to live in alignment with my values, then it becomes, “nobody is perfect, its not about being perfect, its about being you. Its about noticing what kindness looks like in your life at this moment, and integrating that.”
This form of thinking is rooted in existential therapy/philosophy and it makes it your responsibility to conquer your fears in order to live a values based life.
The way I see it is:
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Fears can be reconceptualized as something we want to avoid. Lets explore that and the barrier that are in place that keep you stuck.
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Heal some of this fear through existential therapy+parts work, and then release using somatic therapy techniques.
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Accept that it is your role to conquer this fear, and guide yourself by grounding in your values. Do a values sort activity.
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Courage + actionable change are the magic ingredients that make the biggest difference in the end. Showing up imperfectly and having the courage to do “the difficult thing” knowing you may not get it right, but knowing also that you are getting closer to the life you want.
We gain a lot from allowing ourselves to fail, and doing hard things that get us closer to our values. When we can do the steps, and then surrender to the outcome, magic happens.
- Tara 💛
Pretty photo of tree + flowers taken by yours truly :)
10/10/2024
On Fear: What Is Your Role In Your Suffering?
What is your role in your suffering? This sentence used to trigger me a lot.
It would bring up defensive parts of myself up who would point at my various past traumas and systemic oppression and use those experiences to not recognize my own role in my healing.
Don't hear what I am not saying-
I am not saying, your traumas don’t matter and there are not systemic things that are and have impacted you. Systemic oppression impacts our every atom and our every experience. Personal and collective trauma incite fear within us, damage our physiology, and wreck our nervous systems. I will write a seperate blog post about systemic oppression and its impacts.
However, what I am saying is, there is space to process the trauma and systems AND focus on how you also have a role in your suffering.
Processing how you self sabatoge allows you to be an active participant in your own life.
In order to make changes in our lives, we need to notice our own blind spots. It is just like driving, if we ignore our blindspots, they don't go away, we just will cause a lot of pain.
Existential therapy offers the following themes as important themes to understanding who we are, and how we can create lives that are meaningful:
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Meaning and Purpose: Discussing what gives life meaning and how to find personal purpose.
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Freedom and Responsibility: Examining the balance between freedom of choice and the responsibility that comes with it.
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Isolation and Connection: Exploring feelings of isolation versus the need for connection with others.
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Death and Mortality: Confronting the reality of death and how it influences life choices and priorities.
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Authenticity: Encouraging individuals to live authentically and align their actions with their true values.
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Anxiety: Understanding existential anxiety and how it can lead to personal growth or avoidance.
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Existential Crisis: Navigating periods of doubt or confusion about life's purpose or direction.
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Personal Values: Clarifying personal values and beliefs that guide life choices.
These are are deeply uncomfortable topics, and not topics you can process in one therapy session or one conversations, instead, they are topic that we will continue to reflect on throughout our lives in order to make meaning and make choices that will lead to getting out of stuckness, and getting into our lives.
When we think about times where we have made big changes, we can often notice that prior to that big change, there was likely a catalyst. A period of feeling stuck, maybe there was a traumatic incident that happened, maybe we did not know how our family would react to who we are, etc., however, something within us knew that we needed to make a change. And we mustered enough courage to listen to that voice of reason within us.
A golden token of wisdom I gained from my supervisor recently is “ One day the scales will tip and you will do something that will give you a different outcome, because the discomfort of your current life will outweigh the fear that comes with making a change.” This brings in the nuance that these things take time, but we cannot only rely on time, we also have to rely on courage and action. Action keeps us living our lives, not being resentful participants in it.
The discomfort of your current life often feels safer than the fear of change, but true growth lies in embracing the unknown.
We cannot wait for fear to “go away” to make a change. It is about learning to hold yourself through fear so that you can “do the hard thing”.
Rather than, “how do I get rid of fear so that I can do hard things”
The premise becomes, “how can I support myself when im scared, but still do the hard thing to create the life I want to live”
And then, you hold yourself through hard things by:
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listening to what parts of you need
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regulating your nervous system
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making accommodations for yourself
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exploring existential underpinnings
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practicing DBT skills (mindfulness)
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and the list goes on :)
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Book a session and we can find a tailored plan for you. A bit of shameless plug ( 🤭 its that gen-z in me)
But the idea that we need to just wait for fear to go away can keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns and feeling stuck in our lives.
What would it do for you to notice your own role in your suffering? What might you gain from not being defensive towards the topic?
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Tara تارا
Photo of beautiful aspen trees taken by me :)
10/11/2024
On Defensiveness & Its Impact on Connection
What would happen if we allowed ourselves to show up more imperfectly in relationships?
When we allow ourselves grace in relationships, in turn, we can extend that grace to our loved ones as well.
This goes for any relationship: romantic, platonic, familial, professional, etc.
If we can see ourselves as humans with fear who show up imperfectly, we can accept that others are only human too.
If we view other’s hurting us as personal attacks and expect perfection from them, we only keep ourselves stuck in resentment. This keeps our hearts closed.
We don’t get gold stars ⭐️ when we show up perfectly in relationships.
{disclaimer time: this is NOT saying “go accept bad behavior and be bad.” This is a nuanced take. It is saying, do you push people away when they don't show up perfectly for you? What is the impact of expecting perfection? What does it do for you think of the other person's background, biases, and intentions? What does it look like to see them as a human capable of making mistakes, but not necessarily trying to harm you? When we see people fully, we can notice the meanings we make rather than focusing on whether or not the other person showing up perfectly}.
If anything, in my experience I see that the person in the relationship who demands perfection becomes resentful. It shows up as “I'm showing up in XYZ way, but they aren't!” The subliminal messaging here is “I'm better than them, they are worse than me”. They are impacting me, therefore they must be trying to hurt me.
However, what would it look like to shift to, "The other person could also be getting impacted by me, because they have a different set of triggers. Maybe we are impacting each other."
This takes it from finger pointing to looking in the mirror.
When we engage in finger pointing, we get lost in processing how other person impacted us VS noticing our own role and triggers.
When we are able to notice our own triggers, regulate, and slow down, we can our own role more clearly.
This creates a pedestal that puts one person in the “I try hard in relationships” role, and puts the other person in a “doesn't try hard” role. When in reality, could it be that both people are not getting their needs met and could both do better.
And what do these roles do to our connections?
For one thing, these attitudes will dampen intimacy.
How can we have emotional intimacy if we are expected to be perfect?
It takes away from us being able to be human.
How might our relationships fare if instead, we notice that each person is indeed, a person?
A person with their own hurt, traumas, biases, and experiences. How would we approach people if we believed they were trying their best?
What do we gain from seeing ourselves as better than others? We gain a false sense of confidence that is backed in ego.
If we instead approach other people as people, and focus on our own role and how we want to show up in relationships, we will have more success.
Intimacy comes from being able to show up as your vulnerable human self. And it is not safe to show up as a vulnerable human if you are expected to show up perfectly. It can also cause a lot of avoidance, anxiety, and tension.
Do you notice any of these tendencies in yourself?
These are only two examples of roles we put ourselves can put ourselves in, what are other dynamics you notice in your relationships?
What fears or defenses come up when you think of how you show up in relationships?
With tenderness,
Tara 🧡
Photo of Sedona Cave taken by my partner :)
10/13/2024
Community & Culture Matters
Being middle eastern and south asian is to be worried about your home country at all phases in your life.
From being a child, to a teen, to an adult, there has been destruction of my homeland.
The impact of watching people who look like you be dehumanized, misunderstood, and villainized is not something you should ever have to deal with.
To watch your neighboring countries go through genocide and wondering if you are next is unfortunately a reality many of us hyphenated americans live with.
I.e Iranian-American ,
Pakestani-American
Our identity as Americans gets hyphenated. Meanwhile you dont often see
French-American,
German-American
You just see, American.
We have to process and sit with the feelings of violence of colonialism. Grief the lives we never got to have because of it. Advocate for our rights.
However, here is also where we have a choice. Do we radically accept our situation and work on supporting ourselves through this life? Or do we get stuck in the pain and not do anything to ameliorate our situation?
This is where community & culture comes into play.
Our bodies are being impacted by the violence of colonialism, and here, we have to look to our cultures to see what nourished our ancestors.
There is wisdom in understanding what sustained our ancestors. Three things that come to mind are:
- food
- dance
- community / mutual aid
Eating the same foods as our ancestors, especially the spices and the natural herbs/elixers they created, allows our bodies to be nourished with that feels familiar and helpful to them.
When we cannot geographically rely on our countries to remain ours, food can be a way that we psychologically reclaim our cultures and identities.
I came across this idea comes from Food Writer, Reem Kassis, who states, "For Palestinians, whose national identity is constantly undermined without an independent state, constructs other than geography become vital to a sense of rootedness and identity. Food for Palestinians becomes a way to reclaim our country, if not geographically, at least psychologically and emotionally..."
These spices, dishes, and hearty foods sustained our people, and is a big part of how we still exist despite out circumstances.
In Persian culture, dance, or "raghs" is a huge part of the culture.
Women dance together at gatherings, and it is a bonding part of sisterhood.
Each middle eastern & south asian culture has its own dances, and learning these movements can be intimidating, but by stepping into the discomfort of learning them, we get to relieve our bodies in the ways our ancestors did. There is something really special about that :).
There is also much research to support that dance is beneficial to our mental health, reducing out stress and allowing our bodies to somatically get out trauma.
Surrounding yourself with people from your community, your neighboring communities, and other marginalized communities allows you to hold each other and support each other.
It helps you not feel as alone in the scary conditions that we live in.
This can look as simple as shopping at ethnic grocery stores.
At every ethnic grocery store I have shopped at, I create beautiful connections with the people who work there.
I felt inspired to write this post when I went to a local Palestinian market and ordered dinner from them while I bought some groceries.
I had ordered some food, and when I went to check out, the lady told me, “I packed some extra chicken for you because I wanted you to have food. I also packed you some dessert to enjoy tonight.” 🥺.
I got emotional and felt deeply held and cared for.
Our communities sustain us.
I reflected on how many relationships I have with the ladies who work at my local Persian Markets. They check in on me, when I look tired they ask how I’m doing, and I check in on them. They give me advice as elders, and they make me feel safe.
We support each other.
Your existence is resistance, and your ancestors are proud of you 💛.
I hope reading this will inspire you to engage in your culture and communities as well 🧡. It can really look as simple as grocery shopping, moving, and eating :).
With love,
Tara 💛🌼✨